5 Simple Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship
Chances are, you and your partner have had your share of disagreements. It’s normal to clash from time to time, but if communication problems go unaddressed you may notice they eventually start to dominate the conversation. Does it seem like your partner doesn’t understand you anymore? It feels like you’re stuck and the two of you just aren’t getting through to one another. You’re having the same conversation over and over without ever reaching some kind of middle ground.
When communication breaks down in the relationship, many couples turn to therapy for help. Feeling misunderstood or unheard can lead to arguments, isolation, or avoidance of important conversations altogether. We all crave connection and our intimate relationship is where we often expect to feel it most. Healthy communication is a big part of what builds a meaningful and secure bond with our partners.
Being honest about how you feel, expressing your needs, and successfully resolving conflict are important ingredients for a deep connection. Below are 5 ways you can improve communication with your partner today.
Be aware of what you say without words.
Non-verbal communication can be just as powerful as what is spoken aloud. Our tone, facial expression, eye contact, and attitude all send messages about what we are thinking and feeling. After all, there’s a reason it’s called body language! Think about the messages you’re sending if you are distracted, looking away, rolling your eyes, sighing, looking at your watch, wringing your hands, or shaking or tapping your foot during a conversation with your partner.
Now think about what messages are being sent if you are attentive, speaking in a calm voice, have an open posture, and maintain a soft expression. The question here isn’t about intent - I may be present and am tapping my foot only out of my own anxiety - but the key is to be aware of how my non-verbal communication impacts the conversation and my partner.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Pay attention - not just to what you are saying, but how you are saying it.
Ensure your body language is consistent with the words you’re speaking - otherwise, this can send mixed signals. For example, picture the difference between hearing, “I’m sorry,” from someone with a tone of irritability in their voice versus from someone with a tone of sincerity.
2. Say what you mean.
Sometimes being direct in our communication is difficult because we’re afraid of the fallout. This can lead us to walk on eggshells around sensitive topics, avoid the discussion, or suppress and deny our own needs and wants so we don’t rock the boat. While this sort of indirect communication may feel better in the short-term because it keeps us emotionally safe, in the long run it only serves to postpone the real issues from being discussed. Not talking about a problem doesn’t mean it isn’t there - and tiptoeing around it ultimately doesn’t help it get any better. Talking in a direct, non-aggressive way helps you put your concerns on the table so they can be dealt with.
It’s also worth mentioning that our partners aren’t mind readers and they can’t predict how we think and feel. Being direct and calm when you speak can reduce misunderstandings and mutual frustration.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Be assertive as you talk - clearly and directly state your point of view while maintaining respect for your partner.
Remind yourself that difficult conversations can lead to deeper connections. It may be hard at some points but you deserve to have your truth heard.
3. Speak from your own point of view.
It can be tempting to point out how our partner has upset us and fall down the slippery slope to blame. Notice the difference between saying, “I feel invisible when you scroll your phone while we eat dinner,” and saying, “You never want to talk to me while we eat; you only care about your phone.” The distinction is subtle but important. Starting a sentence with “I” can help you communicate your own perspective and feelings without placing blame or accusations on your partner that may devolve to denial or defensiveness.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Practice using the statement, “I feel _____ because/when _____ .” While conversations certainly can’t be reduced to simple formulas, this sentence can be a small starting guide if you notice yourself starting sentences with “you” often. Example: “I feel sad when we don’t talk during dinner,” or, “I’m angry because I put a lot of effort into this meal and when you’re on your phone I don’t feel appreciated.”
Make observations, not judgments. Going back to the previous example, “I feel invisible when you scroll your phone while we eat dinner,” is a statement starting with my perspective and then sharing an observation. There is not a value placed or a conclusion drawn about my partner. Now consider, “You never want to talk to me while we eat; you only care about your phone.” Can you hear the difference?
4. Ask questions.
This one is all about not assuming and not predicting how a conversation is going to go. If you’ve been together long enough, you may think that you know what your partner is thinking or how they will respond in a given situation. And sometimes you may be right. But asking questions engages them in conversation and allows a space to begin dialogue. Assuming and predicting narrow down the communication that flows between you - and this is not a pattern you want your relationship to be stuck in.
There are a few times when asking questions over making an assumption may be particularly preferable.
a) During conflict. I can ask, “What did you mean by that?” rather than jumping to a conclusion to understand more clearly what was behind a particular comment.
b) Making requests. If I predict that my partner is not going to want sex this morning, then I won’t initiate. And while it may be true that my partner doesn’t prefer morning sex and it may be true that they ultimately say no, by me not asking, I take away the opportunity for my want to even be considered.
c) Sharing the day-to-day. It may seem like there’s not much to talk about during the course of a routine day. Don’t let that stop you from engaging your partner - even a small conversation about something mundane can have value because it keeps you connected and turning toward one another. “What did you enjoy about shopping today?” or, “How was the drive home after picking (your child) up from school?”
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Be curious. Resist the urge to predict and instead be open to how your partner responds at that moment in time.
Ask open-ended questions. “How was your day?” invites more conversation than, “Did you have a good day?” And really, that’s exactly what you’re doing - inviting your partner to share a part of themselves with you.
5. Listen.
Communication in a relationship is a two-way street. Sometimes it’s your turn to talk and other times, it’s your turn to listen. Your partner has important things to contribute to the conversation and you can be respectful by attending to what they have to say. You don’t have to agree - but do tune in, set your own commentary aside, and join them for a moment in their world. A little listening will go a long way.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Stay present. Preparing comments or rebuttals in your mind while your partner is talking takes your attention away from the message they want you to hear.
Note and reflect on any frustrations. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, ask yourself if you have expectations about the conversation, your partner, or the relationship that aren’t being met.
Communicating in an effective, healthy way is a skill that will fluctuate over time. Some days the two of you will be better at it than others. What’s important is that you continue to strive for understanding one another and remain willing to learn along the way. It won’t always be easy, but your relationship will be better for it in the long run - which makes it worth the effort.
