Infertility Loss is Different
One of the most challenging aspects of primary infertility is that it prevents you from entering the motherhood or parenthood phase of life. It prevents you from taking on an identity you’re ready to step into. You may find yourself doubting that you’ll ever announce a pregnancy and start planning for that next step.
Infertility brings with it uncertainty and ambiguity - after all, you can't predict the future.
And so there's a sense of wondering embedded within an ongoing cycle of hope and loss. Yet, compared to other types of loss, the losses of infertility are more unclear. Who or what was lost - An opportunity? Time? A potential person?
When a family member or someone we know passes away, the loss is clear. There was a person who existed, with whom you shared a relationship and now have memories to look back on. You likely took time off work to attend a viewing or funeral. Perhaps there were even loved ones, friends, or colleagues who sent you cards and support while you were mourning.
But infertility is different.
There is no specific person whom you knew and have memories of
You cannot take a personal day each month when your period comes
You do not get bereavement leave after a canceled egg retrieval or failed IVF round
No one sends you flowers after finding out your insurance doesn't cover the cost of fertility treatments
Infertility grief is more stigmatized because it is more closely related to taboo topics like sex and abortion than other types of loss - making it harder to talk about and find adequate support
Infertility challenges the typical social scripts about loss that we're all familiar with because it is a future-oriented loss. The loss is about someone or something that is not there, something that has never been.
It’s the loss of a desired stage of life (i.e. pregnancy, motherhood/parenthood, and even grandparenthood). It’s a loss of the would-be child, who exists in the imagination and does not have clear physical attributes, age, or personality characteristics. It’s the loss of a future and life path with that would-be child.
And there’s no limit to all the scenarios and positive “memories” one can make up about this idealized life.
This grief is very different from how we talk about and seek support for a past-oriented loss, or a loss of something or someone who ceased to be - such as our dear family member.
So, not only is there a lack of social scripts that model how to talk about your infertility, but other people around you don't have great social scripts for how to respond, either.
This means that reaching out for support can be complicated. Stigma and the future-orientation of infertility loss can make it difficult for you to articulate the support you need from others. And even if you do, others may not know how to respond or they respond in ways that are less than helpful.
I work with you from a lens that acknowledges how the future orientation of your loss impacts your experience. I am here with you to process the loss, put words to your grief, and sort out the heavy emotions you’re carrying that feel like a weight on your chest.
Of course not everyone with infertility experiences loss or grief. But if this resonates with you, reach out to me today. I’m ready to be your ally and help you find your voice.
