Is Couples Therapy Right For Us? What You Need to Know
Problems in our relationship can have a significant effect on many other areas of our lives. Couples therapy may be able to help. In this post I will describe my general approach to working with couples, the issues I see most often, and what you can expect from couples therapy sessions in my practice. What I have described below is my method for working with couples and may or may not capture what you might experience with another provider.
How Couples Therapy Works
Couples therapy is the process of you and your partner sitting down with a clinician to work on goals that focus on improving the health of your relationship. There are many reasons a couple may initiate counseling. Working through differences in important life areas such as finances, parenting and discipline, managing in-laws, sexual expectations, or work boundaries can help you and your partner get on the same page and improve the functioning of your relationship. This may happen early in a relationship or be a form of pre-marital counseling, but couples in any form may benefit from these sessions.
Therapy may also be desired after a difficult challenge or life transition. Significant milestones such as graduating college, buying a house, planning a wedding, having a baby, starting a business, moving homes, and entering retirement are all times of change and to some extent, uncertainty, that may place additional stress on a relationship. Unexpected events like losing a job, losing a home, a death in the family, sudden illness, experiencing infertility or a pregnancy loss, or developing a sexually-related issue can also add strain to a relationship. Sometimes a transition occurs within the relationship, such as when one partner comes out or there is a desire to explore non-monogamy. Whatever the challenge, relationships of all kinds may potentially experience a rocky adjustment after a significant life change, especially if you or your partner do not have great coping tools for getting through the obstacle you’re facing to begin with.
And then there are times when an issue within the relationship itself needs attention. Perhaps you don’t feel as close as you used to and the emotional disconnection often leaves you feeling sad. Or maybe communication is a problem and you want to have more calm, direct discussions rather than passive-aggressive comments, eye-rolling, or outright verbal aggression. Some couples experience frequent conflict with minimal tools for reconciliation and could greatly benefit from learning problem-solving or conflict-resolution skills. Other couples rarely talk about their problems at all, leaving them to fester under the surface and resentment to build. In some relationships, a betrayal such as an affair has occurred and there is a need to repair trust and respect before finding a way forward.
As you can see, a couple may come to therapy at any time of their relationship, for almost any reason that is impeding their ability to work through their concerns on their own. My job as your therapist is to attain a thorough understanding of the problem and to provide tools for improving your connection based on your unique circumstances. Establishing a foundation of respect, trust, and friendship is a key part in this process, and something I aim to help every couple create within the parameters of their counseling goals.
Will Couples Therapy Help Us?
It is impossible to make definitive statements about the outcome of therapy because progress is influenced by a variety of factors. But, over the years I’ve been doing this work there are general commonalities between the couples who do well and report positive improvements in their relationship. Here are four that I find to be the most notable:
Consistency. Couples who routinely schedule and attend their appointments create momentum for positive change. You and your partner will build on the tools you learn in session, so too much time between sessions can make it difficult to maintain progress.
Keep an open mind. There may be words, phrases, concepts, ideas, or strategies that are new, unfamiliar, and may even seem strange or funny at first. By keeping an open mind you give yourself an opportunity to learn something new outside of your comfort zone, which is necessary for progress to occur. If you remain stuck in your ways or are otherwise closed off to the idea of change, you likely won’t see the results you’re hoping for because the patterns that originally brought you to therapy remain intact.
Complete homework exercises. If you are only working to improve your relationship when you are in session, it will take a long time to make meaningful progress. That’s why I often organize exercises and homework tasks with my couples between sessions. This keeps you focused on helpful strategies to use throughout the week and provides a regular platform for building on incremental change. Couples who complete these exercises regularly often make progress at a different rate than couples who forget or otherwise do not prioritize these tools. You will always give final approval of the exercise so please let me know if you foresee a barrier to completion and we will make adjustments to accommodate.
Be engaged. It is possible for you each to be in two different places regarding your interest in couples therapy or belief that it is necessary for your relationship. Therapy can proceed so long as you are both willing to participate in the process. Successful couples are realistic and open to putting in the work required to get their relationship back on track.
This is meant to serve as a guide for some very basic and general concepts you and your partner can keep in mind as you begin counseling to set a strong foundation in your work. It is not prescriptive nor predictive of your ability to make progress. I have in fact worked with many couples who got off to a rocky start, only to eventually find their groove and end up making excellent improvements to their relationship.
So, will couples therapy help you? The only one who can answer that question is you and your partner. So much of your progress will depend on the work you are each putting in and how you are working together. I am here to help you navigate the rough terrain and celebrate the victories as they come. Remember, every couple is different, and you and your partner have a unique history and experience together. What works for other couples may or may not work for you. I take time in my work to understand where you are both starting out and then make efforts to meet you where you are, so that the plan we develop for your treatment feels manageable and effective.
A Glimpse Into a Couples Therapy Session
As with individual therapy, I start the first couples therapy session by introducing myself and going over important information for you to know at the onset of our work together. One of my objectives in this initial meeting is to gain a clear understanding of what is bringing you to therapy and how I can assist with treatment. You are free to share as much or as little as you are comfortable and feel it is relevant to my ability to help with your concern. It may feel awkward to share personal details with someone you just met and it is my priority in the initial sessions of our work together that you feel respected and seen. You can read more here about what to expect before, during, and after the first therapy session.
My hope is that your therapy sessions are a time of exploration, learning, and connecting. It’s hard to predict how each session will look because that depends on your presenting concern and the treatment plan we develop. But I will use a combination of techniques in your sessions over the weeks and months that attend specifically to what you want to improve by utilizing strengths in how you best work together. Many couples come to me because they want their relationship to feel different. They want to feel more loved. More understood. More cherished. More passion. Part of my role is to help you find the emotional tone you want to set for your relationship together and provide insight to help you get there. With all of this in mind, couples therapy sessions with me are about bringing you together, healing old wounds, and finding hope in a future you both can look forward to.
