Fighting Fair When You Face a Conflict
When it comes to relationships, conflict often gets a bad rap. Many of us were raised to believe that conflict is a sign of trouble or something to be avoided at all costs. But here’s the truth: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship and there is a heathy way to work through it. It’s not about whether or not you face conflict at all — it’s about how you speak to one another during the conversation. When you and your partner fight fair, disagreements become opportunities for deeper understanding and a stronger connection.
Why Conflict Is Important
First, let’s be clear: Conflict isn’t inherently bad and realistically, you and your partner aren’t going to escape it. Every couple argues from time to time. But you can become more equipped to handle conflict well together. This means you resolve problems while remaining bonded and feeling like you’re on the same team. When conflict is managed in a healthy way, it can actually be a path toward growth.
It’s normal for conflict to occur in relationships. When two people come together to form their unique partnership, they have different opinions, needs, and desires. These differences will inevitably surface from time to time and we may find ourselves in conflict with our partner. If one or both of you don’t have the tools for managing those differences, the conversation may spiral into an argument that doesn’t feel good for either of you.
But rather than viewing conflict as a signal that something is wrong, you may want to consider it as an opportunity to address any underlying issues that exist because of your differences so they don’t fester. Not talking about the issues doesn’t mean they’re not there. It’s best to have the conversation, but do so from a place of wanting to better understand each other and see how this obstacle can actually strengthen your relationship.
That’s why it’s not so much about whether or not the two of you are disagreeing and more about the way you’re speaking to one another about the disagreement.
When conflict is handled in a healthy way, there is an exchange of respect, compassion, and a focus on resolution. But when conflict is mismanaged or emotions aren’t attended to, the conversation may become plagued by personal attacks, avoidance, criticism, or power struggles. The key is to handle conflicts as they arise in ways that are constructive rather than destructive.
How To Fight Fair
So how exactly do you talk about your differences in a healthy way? Let’s dive into a few key principles of fighting fair, in no particular order.
STAY ON TOPIC. Sometimes it might not take much for one issue to spiral into a laundry list of past grievances or complaints. Especially if it seems like there are underlying connections from one topic to another. But it actually can convolute the flow of the conversation and make finding a reasonable resolution confusing. Stick to the issue at hand instead of dredging up old wounds or going down a rabbit hole of complaints. There is a time and a place to talk about these important things but you won’t get very far if you’re trying to talk about them at the same time you’re also trying to address something else. This will leave the two of you talking in circles, you’ll both get frustrated, and nothing gets resolved.
KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON YOURSELF. When emotions are running high, it’s tempting to point fingers. However, blaming each other will not get you closer to solving the problem and will likely just end up putting distance between the two of you. It certainly won’t help you walk away from the conversation feeling connected and bonded. Pay extra attention to how you’re starting your sentences. A sentence that starts with “You” and is about your partner will likely put them on the defense. Instead, focus on your own perspective by using “I” statements, which help you express your emotions without assigning blame. It’s not selfish to talk about your own point of view and it allows you each to be the expert on your own experiences.
PRACTICE ATTENTIVELY LISTENING. You’ll never resolve conflict effectively if you’re not willing to listen. It’s one of the most crucial skills to master in navigating disagreements successfully. Active listening means you’re putting aside your own response and commentary to really hear what your partner is saying. You’re not going through the motions and you’re not just waiting for your turn to speak. Instead, you’re really absorbing the message that your partner wants you to take away about their perspective. A common phrase that may help you remember this is, “Listen to understand, not to respond.” Active listening is about your partner and their experience. So you want to speak from your own point of view, but listen from your partner’s point of view.
AVOID ESCALATION. If the conversation starts getting heated, your brain may react by going into fight-or-flight mode —meaning you might explode or shutdown altogether. An escalation isn’t always yelling or huffing or stomping around. It could also very well be a silent withdraw, mental check-out, or complete stonewall. During conversations about conflict, be mindful of your tone, body language, and internal emotions. If you feel yourself escalating, take a break from the conversation to cool off. Your brain quite literally cannot have a reasonably calm conversation when it’s in fight-or-flight state. It’s okay to take a break and come back to the discussion once you’re in a better place to work through your differences.
SEEK COMPROMISE AND SOLUTIONS. Remember, the goal isn’t to “win” the argument; it’s to find a solution that works for both of you. Be open to compromise and get in a habit of looking for where you both agree and share common ground. One question to ask yourself is, “What am I willing to give here?” Look, conflict is not a competition; it’s a collaboration. If you and your partner were on the same team playing football, say, you might put your heads together and come up with a strategy for defeating the other team. Addressing conflict in your relationship is the same idea. You two are coming together to strategize on how you’re going to defeat the problem. If you approach it like you’re on opposing teams — oof! You can see how ugly that could get. If one person “wins” the argument, then the other person automatically defaults to losing and the relationship ultimately suffers most. Aim for conversations where you both feel heard and respected, and the resolutions will follow.
Common Pitfalls To Avoid
There are three major pitfalls that I see couples often fall into when trying to work through conflict.
Making predictions or assumptions. If you’ve been together for a while, you might think you can predict what your partner will say or do in the conversation. You may even be right from time to time. But predictions and assumptions actually limit the depth of the conversation because if you already “know” how the conversation will go or why your partner said or did something, then you’ve created a very narrow path forward that isn’t open to alternative routes — problematic especially if your partner has a different perspective or experience. Be the expert on yourself and allow your partner to be the expert on themselves. You can decrease jumping to conclusions by remaining curious about your partner and asking open-ended questions.
Lacking accountability. There is always something for us to own, something for us to acknowledge that we can improve. Many times when I hear couples express criticism of the other, it’s a poorly-phrased plea to take accountability for what’s theirs to own. Neither of you are perfect, and that’s okay — you’re human, you’re not capable of, nor are you expected to be perfect. But that’s exactly why there’s always something to be accountable for. When you are addressing differences and conflict together, keep an eye out for where you can take ownership for yourself and your actions. This may also help compromise and resolution take shape. You will not resolve a conflict by pointing out the work for the other. You must both be accountable for yourselves and contribute your share of the work to get you both to the goal.
Taking things personally. Most of the time, it’s safe to say that your partner genuinely isn’t out to get you. If there’s malicious intent present during your conflicts, there might be something bigger going on that certainly needs addressed. But in my experience working with hundreds of couples over the last 10+ years, usually what’s happening is a miscommunication and mishandling of emotions that gets out of hand. Your partner is most likely not trying to actively or intentionally hurt you; it’s more likely that you’re each feeling hurt, misheard, or a number of other things in the moment and aren’t feeling supported by one another. Take a moment to breathe and remind yourself that the two of you are working together from the same team.
Rebuilding After Conflict
If there’s been an argument it’s important to take steps to repair and reconnect. This might include offering a sincere apology if one is merited, reflecting on what you’ve learned, sharing how you will approach a similar situation differently in the future, and reaffirming your love and commitment to one another. How you repair after a conflict can be just as important as the way you handle the conflict itself.
So the next time a disagreement arises, don’t shy away. Embrace it as a chance to grow closer and stronger as a couple. With the right approach, conflict is more than an argument — it can be a powerful tool for deepening your relationship and building a more resilient partnership. You each have the power to decide which will it be.
Do you need some additional help putting these tips into action when it comes to conflict in your relationship? Contact me to schedule a free phone consultation.
